Did you know that if you got no rizz, it could be a beige flag? Confused? We got you. Here's every new dating term you need to know while out there in the wild, trying to make new connections.
Download Dating DictionaryEveryone gets to add their own zest to the language of dating and the variety of phrases out there to describe any possible dating experience is something to behold.
There is one area that has been historically overlooked that we should all brush up on though – consent. As the type of connections we can make continues to evolve, it’s important for us to have a guide of how to talk about consent and be certain that we are making decisions that reflect our dedication to safe experiences.
We’ve collaborated with consent advocate, Chanel Contos to create the Consent Edition of our Dating Dictionary. In here you’ll find some definitions of key terms relating to consent education and also some easy ways to incorporate consent checks into your dating routine.
Consent isn’t just about a one time conversation and simple yes or no, we need to be able to hold space for the maybes as well. Consent is so much more than permission and rules and consent practice definitely takes effort, time, energy, and space.
There’s nothing we love more than helping people make exhilarating new connections, but we want these to be safe and consensual, above all.
"Language is one of our most important tools. You can't understand something, you can't practise it properly, and you can't prevent something if you can't name it." - Chanel Contos
Affirmative/enthusiastic consent Explicit, informed, and voluntary agreement to participate in a sexual act. It looks for the presence of a 'yes' rather than an absense of a 'no'.
"Affirmative consent is now the law in heaps of
areas in Australia, have you seen?"
Aftercare Another term for a post-intimacy check in, an important part of any sexual interaction to see how a partner is feeling.
"I love that they never skip the aftercare and try to leave right
away, it makes me feel so valued and respected."
Body language Body language, or the way someone physically reacts to the way you're acting towards or around them, is a good indicator of how they might feel about a particular circumstance.
"He had no idea how to read my body language, I was trying to create
distance between us all night but then he leaned in to try and
kiss me without even asking!"
Boundary A limit that someone imposes on an interaction. This doesn't have to always be physical.
"How are things with that new person going?"
"Great! We've been taking it slow because I told them I didn't want to be available
24/7 to chat and they've been very respectful of that boundary."
Cat calling A form of sexual harrassment, cat-calling is an often rude, derogatory or unwelcome comment made towards someone in passing.
"I literally won't walk down that street anymore, I'm so sick of being
cat-called by the guys who hang out the front of the shops."
Check in A check in is exactly what it sounds like - checking in with a partner to make sure they're still into whatever it is you're doing.
"I had such a great time, they were really in tune with checking
in and making sure I was comfortable."
Coercion Being forced, tricked, threatened or pressured in a non-physical way into an activity.
"It was weird last night...I felt coerced into the situation. I
think I should report it."
Consent Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something which must be given freely and willingly. Commonly used in reference to sexual experiences.
"How was last night?""
"It was so hot, he kept asking for consent with so much confidence."
Fawning A trauma response that leads a person who feels threatened to be over-nice to their abuser in order to survive an ordeal.
"I was so scared, I fawned and acted like everything was fine until he
dropped me home."
Image based abuse A crime that happens when someone records, captures and distributes (or even threatens to distribute) intimate images without permission of the person pictured, whether they consented to the image being taken or not.
"I heard that my ex has been sending my nudes to his friends since
we broke up, I'm so disgusted."
"Girl, that is literally image based abuse, do you need some help in reporting it?"
Leading on A myth stemming from people feeling that they are owed something from someone who has not communicated this.
"I had to leave the party early because he was getting angry about me leading
him on... All I did was smile at him when I was dancing and now he thinks it's an
invitation to come and kiss me without my consent?"
Safe word A previously agreed word or phrase to be used with a partner in a sexual situation which signifies immediate withdrawal of consent and means that an activity should stop.
"Do you want to discuss a safe word
before we start?"
Spiking When someone puts alcohol or drugs into another person's drink or their body without their knowledge and/or consent.
"That guy I went out with last night spiked me - I had no
idea he was buying double shot drinks."
Stalking The act or crime of willfully and repeatedly following or harassing another person in circumstances that would cause a reasonable sense of fear.
"We had a bad date and since then I've seen him at my work and my
university. I'm really scared, it feels like he's stalking me"
Stealthing "The non-consensual removal of a condom during sex, or the failure to put a condom on when someone has been asked to."
"He stealthed me last night and I only realised after he left. I'm going
to report it because it's illegal and it can't keep happening."
Victim blaming Putting the blame of sexual assault on the victim rather than the perpetrator.
"I hate this culture of victim blaming we have, that poor girl had
such a traumatic experience and now people are saying she had something
to do with it?"
Withdrawing consent Withdrawing consent refers to someone no longer consenting to a situation they are experiencing. Consent can be withdrawn at any time and must be respected.
"I just wasn't really into the making out so I withdrew consent and they
immediately stopped, then we had a fun time chatting for ages."
Making asking for consent sound sexy or natural can be difficult, so here is a list of some phrases you can use throughout your dating journey to ask for, give or withdraw consent.
Keep in mind that as well as verbal responses, body language that indicates discomfort, fear or disengagement are also signs that no consent has been provided. Silence, turning away, moving away, averting eyes and being still are all examples of not giving consent. Remember that unless it is enthusiastic both verbally AND physically, then it's not consent.
Asking permission
"I'm really feeling my outfit today, are you okay with me sending a fit pic?"
Giving permission
"Yes I'd love to see what you're wearing!"
Not giving permission
"No thanks, I don't really want to be exchanging pictures."
Asking permission
"I'm really attracted to you right now, could I kiss you?"
Giving permission
"Yes!" or *lean in for a kiss*
Not giving permission
"I think it's better if we just keep talking."
Asking permission
"I've been thinking about this all night, can I kiss you?"
Giving permission
"I've been thinking about it all night too, yes!" or *lean in for a kiss*
Not giving permission
"I'm not comfortable with kissing right now."
Asking permission
"Can I walk you home?"
Giving permission
"Yes, that would be nice!"
Not giving permission
"Thanks for offering but I'd rather say goodbye here."
Asking permission
"Can I touch you here?"
Giving permission
"Yes please!"
Not giving permission
"No thank you. Let's just do this for now."
Asking permission
"Can you touch me here?"
Giving permission
"Of course, show me how you like to be touched."
Not giving permission
"I'm not up for that."
Asking permission
"Does it feel good if I do this?"
Giving permission
"Yes, that feels good keep going."
Not giving permission
"No, I don't like that, do this instead."
Asking permission
"Do you want to have sex?"
Giving permission
"Yes, I've been waiting for you to ask!"
Not giving permission
"No, I don't want to have sex let's just keep doing this."
Asking permission
"Should I get a condom?"
Giving permission
"Yes please, I want to use protection."
Not giving permission
"No that's not necessary, I don't want this to become sexual."
Asking permission
"Does this feel okay?"
Giving permission
"Yes, this feels great."
Not giving permission
"I don't really like that, can we stop please?" or "I don't like that,
can we go back to what we were doing before?"
Asking permission
"Are you still enjoying this?"
Giving permission
"Yeah I really like it."
Not giving permission
"I'm not enjoying this anymore, can we stop."
Asking permission
"Do you want to cuddle for a bit?"
Giving permission
"I'm liking what we are doing, but we can chill if you want."
Not giving permission
"That sounds good thanks, we can chat some more."
Asking permission
"Do you want to go back to the party or hang out here?"
Giving permission
"Let's stay here, I'm enjoying being alone with you."
Not giving permission
"Good idea, let's go back to the party."
"I really enjoyed that, did you?"
"How did that feel for you?"
"Is there anything you'd like me to do or not do next time?"